Cue Card Cold Read w/ Jessica Biel & Billy Crudup

Cue Card Cold Read w/ Jessica Biel & Billy Crudup

-Jessica Biel and Billy Crudup
are here tonight. And I’m very excited,
because, actually, it’s a pretty crazy coincidence. We have sort of a long history. A lot of people —
Not a lot of people know this, but all three of us worked at the same car dealership together
back in the early ’90s. We even shot some
commercials for it. -Wow. -But to keep our line
readings fresh, our director wouldn’t let us
see the lines until while we were shooting. So we were reading them for
the very first time right there on set. -Wow. -Well, I found one of our
old commercials. So here, for the first time in
decades, is an ad for JJB Autos. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪ -Are you looking for a
high-quality pre-owned car, truck, or snowmobile,
but don’t know where to turn? Well, stop looking,
because your ride is here, right here at JJB Autos. We want to put the keys
in your hand today. -Do you like cars?
Do you like “The Flintstones?” Well, do we have a car for you. It doesn’t have brakes, but it
has two holes in the floor, so you have to stop it
using your feet. Good luck,
’cause you’re gonna die. -Chrysler, Jeep, and Honda. Those are the names for
each toe on my right foot. [ Engine revs ] -I don’t have
my driver’s license, but that hasn’t stopped me
from getting behind the wheel, and it shouldn’t stop you. No license, no problem. But if you’re a cop,
you gotta kiss me. [ Tires screech ] -If you don’t buy a car from me, my wife will leave me
for a karate instructor. -And you know who his wife’s
karate instructor is — my son. -And her son — that’s me,
and I’m horny as hell. [ Horn honks ] -Do you ever wonder what
happened to O.J.’s white Bronco? Come on in. We’ll show you. -Bad credit, no credit. Bad breath, itchy, flaky scalp,
nausea, heartburn, indigestion, allergic to love? Roommates with a horse?
Buddy, welcome to my life. [ Tires screech ] -I was born to sell cars,
and by “born to sell cars,” I mean born with
a little monkey tail. -Are you looking for
something exciting and sexy? We got the car from
“Back to the Future.” Not the DeLorean. The van that the terrorists
were driving when they killed Doc Brown. [ Engine revs ] -We have cars in all
the colors — yellow, gold, bronze. silvish, Jean-John money, moony,
grawbrin, brown… marshmallow. I love color. Color good.
If… If you like color,
say “hee-haw.” -Hee-haw!
-Me… Me fav color purplug. Carabunga! -You probably recognize me, and, no, it’s not from
my car commercials. I’ve been standing outside
your window every night for the last four nights,
just watching you sleep. But don’t bother calling 911. I set up my cellphone to ping
from three towers away, so it’s like I was never there. I learned that from watching
“Dateline.” Happy Halloween mother[bleep] [ Horn honks ] -Eeny, meeny, miney, mar. -Hit a tiger with your car. -I never really… I never really knew my dad. -JJB Autos —
lease options available. -My thanks to Jessica Biel
and Billy Crudup.

About the Author: Michael Flood


  1. Nah. I always hate when a talk show host starts to tell what seems to be a pretty funny, interesting story and then it turns out to be just the set up to some sketch.

  2. OHH MY GOSH!!!! THAT WAS ONE OF THEE BEST JOKES JIMMY HAS EVER SAID ON THE SHOW, IF NOT THEE BEST!!!! And you all know which one I’m talking about not the DeLorean…HAHAHA 🀣🀣🀣 that joke came straight outta left field man ohh my gosh I was laughing like crazy and replayed it over and over again!!!! It’s 2:24 am rn where I’m at and normally I’ll just smile or do one of those nose breath laughs when I watch something funny this late to be courteous of those asleep in the house but that joke had me busting up, I was laughing SO DAM LOUD!!!! It got hard to breathe because I was laughing so hard!!! Thank you for the awesome laugh and the many years of laughs before that and to the many coming in the future years! πŸ€™

  3. How is no one mad about the terrorist joke? Jimmy, I love you, but a terrorist attack is not a joke. It's offensive to those impacted by it. Even if I wasn't personally affected by it, it was a big deal.

  4. It's pure evil 😈when the writers bust up πŸ˜„πŸ˜€β˜ΊοΈπŸ˜„the actors! Shame on them!πŸ‘ŒπŸ™…πŸ‘πŸ’πŸ˜˜πŸ· πŸš–πŸšŒπŸ§πŸš˜πŸš—πŸŒ·πŸŒΈπŸŒΉπŸŒΊπŸŒ»πŸŒΌπŸ’

  5. Jessica do almost exactly like me when it comes to talk happily and mad at the same time 🀣🀣🀣🀣

  6. are all these comments fake or something? Every comment dying laughing about how great this was. Is it me or was this mediocre SNL humor? I guess that's why I was a MadTV girl..

  7. Props to the writers for making all 3 break uncontrollably. I thought Billy would make it through but the last couple of lines really got him…

  8. That's one of the funniest skits that Fallon has done in a while. LOL the van the terrorists drove when they killed Doc Brown. LOL

  9. β€œI love color. Color good.”
    β€œMe fav color per-plum”
    β€œMarshmallow and Jup”
    I laughed till I cried. well done. πŸ‘πŸ‘

    I really love her now. she seems like such a kind and genuine person. And FUN/FUNNY!

  10. it strange but i teach drive hard tehnik & after car) so ez) 2:42 Harry potter? tacher i see YOU FUTURE JImmy you need a CAR

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