Matt – David Mitchell’s car dealer? Adam Woodyatt’s window cleaner? Jason Watkins’ estate agent?

Matt – David Mitchell’s car dealer? Adam Woodyatt’s window cleaner? Jason Watkins’ estate agent?

Please welcome this week’s special guest, Matt. APPLAUSE So, Adam, what is Matt to you? This is Matt. He was my window cleaner but I had to let him go when I found out he was afraid of ladders. Jason, how do you know Matt? This is my estate agent Matt and we once were meant to look at a property but instead we watched a dog give birth. Finally David, what is your relationship with Matt? This is my car dealer Matt and I once made him change the colour of our car twice because I was offended by its hue. So there we have it. Lee’s team, where to begin? Jason. Yes? You were looking round a house at the time, were you, to possibly buy? I was about to, yeah. We were going to look at a property and as we approached that, someone came out of a neighbouring property and said, you know, “My dog’s in distress, can you come and help?” So we did. What assistance did you think you could give? Well, we did a bit of looking on the phones and working out what we should do. You were googling it? Yeah. That is always a worrying sign for a midwife. When she called you in, then, she didn’t know that the dog was about to give birth? No, she didn’t know that the dog was pregnant. Wow. What did she think was wrong with it? I don’t know, that it was sort of, that the stomach was sort of distended or something. Yes. Yeah… Was she the brightest of people? LAUGHTER Did you then go on and buy that property? No, because it had a rifle range next to it so I didn’t bother. There was a rifle range next to this house and he hadn’t mentioned that? If this is true, he’s a typical shifty estate agent. And you see, he didn’t even smile or bat an eyelid then, which means he’s used to hearing it, he’s an estate agent. What was the dog’s name, do you remember? Penny. Penny? Ah, the penny dropped. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE But what about Adam? Adam, he was your window cleaner but you had to get rid of him because he admitted to being…? Scared of ladders. So, how long had he been your window cleaner for? About two years. And why hadn’t it caused problems up to that point? He was working with a partner, there was another window cleaner. Oh, he used to do the ground-floor and the other fella used to do the top floor? Yeah. Oh, come on, really? We just, we genuinely didn’t realise until all of a sudden his partner, who was called Matt. Oh, he was called Matt as well? He was called Matt as well so Matt and Matt Matt. The other one was called Matt Matt and he was called Matt? No, no, the other one was called Matt… Matt and Matt Matt? No, they were both called Matt, so that we could distinguish between Matt and Matt, we called one Matt and the other one Matt Matt. But that… But for the first half of the second name, they’re both looking. Matt, Matt, oh. Matt, Matt, oh, it’s not me. Wouldn’t you be better off calling him Matt and not-Matt because then you’ve got a different word at the beginning. Matt and not-Matt would have been a much better system. PHIL: Or maybe Matthew? Yes. Still a problem with the M-A, though. Maaa-atthew. It is such a huge waste of time though, that millisecond of confusion? I mean, do you think everyone’s name should start with a different letter? I’d much prefer that. Billions of letters so that you don’t have that millisecond of, “Ooh, my name begins with D! Oh, no, it’s not David, “it’s Daniel, I’ve wasted a part of my life.” I would prefer that. So, you’d never noticed that he was always on the ground floor? No, because I was at work. Why, what do you do? LAUGHTER How did you discover that Matt was afraid of ladders? The specific moment. Because the upstairs wasn’t getting… You examined him internally? Oh, hang on. That’s a very strange way of doing it. I sense fear in you! I don’t think you’ll be cleaning my windows for much longer. No wonder he’s frightened to go up a ladder! I bet the coming down bit was more scary. “I’m here! I’m waiting!” I have to say, it’s a miracle you could find anyone to come near your windows. Did you say, “Look, we’re going to have to get rid of you,” or did he then say, “Look, I can’t do this any more”? Obviously, you can’t have a window cleaner who can’t go up a ladder to clean your windows. You say like that we’re the idiots, you had one, not us. LAUGHTER No, he knocked it on the head. He’s no longer a window cleaner. Right, so, you had to sack him, basically? I kind of ducked out of the conversation and left it to my wife. Right. He came back round to do the windows and she confronted him about the lack of attention upstairs. LAUGHTER And did he ‘fess up, did he go…? All right, so, what about David? Ah yes, you didn’t like, you didn’t like your… Read it again. This is my car dealer Matt. I made him change the colour of our car twice because I was offended by its hue. So, three times in total. Yes, it’s been three colours. Yeah, what was the first colour? What did you buy it as? What colour? Grey. What was the model? It’s a BMW and it’s… Er… I can’t quite remember the… I think it’s an… It never ceases to amaze me how cruel it was that you were overlooked for the Top Gear job. No, well I, you know, they kept… They wanted me to learn to drive. I’ve never driven this car. I’ve only sat in it. Are you telling us or the police? Because that sounded like an alibi to me. “I have never! “And neither have I ever put a dead body in the boot.” So then, did you…? When you bought the grey car, did you want it in grey at that time, or was there always an immediate… Was there an immediate, “We want it but we want to re-sprayed”? It was an immediate “We want it and we want it a different colour,” and then we were advised not to get it re-sprayed but to get it wrapped. What does that mean? It’s a thing you can do to a car to change its colour other than re-spraying it. I think it’s called a vinyl wrap. Are you getting mixed up with some sort of album from the 1980s? That’s for you to judge. What was your vinyl wrap colour? Well, we wanted it dark green, like British racing green. Yeah. Can I ask a question? This type of BMW you bought, does it not come in racing green? Well, I don’t know, but it was hard enough to find that we didn’t want to… They are quite rare aren’t they, BMWs? They’re very, very rare. David, you don’t drive. Mh-mm. How did you get into the dealership? We actually did all of the buying and everything via e-mail and the phone, but I will say, my wife can drive. Which was very much why we were looking to buy a car. You know, if neither of us could drive, it’s basically just a very, very expensive shed. OK, you said racing green, then the car arrives or you go to get it and what colour is it? More of a felt tip, more of a Kermit green. So which colour did you go for next? Blue. Dark blue. And how has that panned out for you? It’s nice. LAUGHTER All right. We need an answer. So, Lee’s team. Is Matt Adam’s worried window washer, Jason’s puppy pal or David’s colourful car dealer? I’m feeling Jason because he came up with a couple of really nice details very quickly, like the shooting range and Penny. What about Adam’s? He’s making life hard for himself. If he’s making this up and he’s decided to call both the window cleaners Matt and then he has to invent another so he called him Matt Matt. How big is your house, Adam? Because it doesn’t look very big on EastEnders. And what about David and his car? Now, David and his car’s an interesting one because I can believe this of David. The bit I can most believe is a burly mechanic coming round or burly salesman going, “I know that’s not what you ordered, but you’re having it.” And David going, “OK, thank you.” That’s the bit I most believe. So, what do we think? I’ll go for Jason. You think it’s Jason? What are you thinking, Phil? I’m thinking Jason. Oh, you’re thinking Jason as well. Go on, we’ll go with my team then and say Jason. OK. Matt, would you please reveal your true identity. I’m Matt and David made me change the colour of his car twice. APPLAUSE Thank you very much, Matt.

About the Author: Michael Flood


  1. David's 'vinyl wrap' comment was the giveaway that he was the one telling the truth. There's no way he'd have known that phrase otherwise.

  2. its funny and sad that David eargerly looks at Matt at the end, hoping to make eye contact and shake hand. However, Matt simply walks off the stage.

  3. Being a YouTube only viewer of WILTY or bits of this channel's WILTY I don't think I'd ever seen David as the truth teller in this segment. And once again, I must comment on how fucking brilliant he is.

  4. Not at all surprised David favour's the classic British racing green, popularised by cars like the classic E type Jags & old Lotuses, but I am surprised he went with a generic BMW. I would've pegged him as a Saab or Volvo man.

  5. Hahaha was not expecting his voice to sound like that, did he inhale a helium balloon before coming out?

  6. Shocked that David ordered a BMW. Thought he would drive something more prestigious.
    All that fame and success – yet drives a BMW? WOW!
    A tip for you all though: never buy a dark blue metallic car. Paint 'swirls' worse than any other colour – including black!

  7. This show basically oscillates between Lee's funny remarks and David's logically dissecting his shit. i fucking love it

  8. Adam's story has been the only time I've ever certainly known that someone was lying. Such a vague on-the-spot story, he couldn't even think of another name for Matt's partner, so he just called him Matt as well. The way he presented himself and looked when he had to think of something new.. a very clear lie!

  9. I was like oh Matt and David didn't even like shake hands at the end and then I was like oh tbf he was just his car dealer but then I was like whoa how do they get these people

  10. I mean, he’s not ugly by any stretch of the imagination but he’s really not the most beautiful man on earth like almost all of the comments suggest.

    There are men who look like this working in KFC and ASDA. I’m seriously not seeing what all the fuss is about.

  11. I knew it was David when he started talking about the car being wrapped. There’s no way David would know about wrapping cars unless it actually happened.

  12. I honestly can't think of another time that it's been David on the "this is my" round, does anyone know if there is another one?

  13. The fact that David knew about the wrapping vs repainting thing despite not knowing much about cars and not being able to drive was the clear giveaway.

  14. Matt looks really fucking nervous. When he came on he took a deep breath and his head is shooting back and forth to whose talking sometimes which is another telltale he's on edge. I think he literally just wanted to get off stage at the end so that's why he didn't acknowledge David.

  15. The window cleaners in my locality don't use ladders any more. They have their brushes and hoses on dirty great long poles. He could probably go back to window cleaning, if the story were true.

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