*W’PSH* Top of the mornin’ to ya laddies! My name is JackSepticEye and welcome back to HAAAPY WHEEELS! *sadly* It’s almost over man, Episode 99 *sobs* How the hell did we get this far? How are there 99 episodes of this game? Who knows, but let’s fuckin’ go! This is a Pokemon GO level! Aw, there’s a tiny little Cubone there. I love Cubone! Dude your face looks like the rocks behind you. And that looks like an Eggsecutor for some reason, and there’s a Haunter and Ninetales! “Press Space to start, use the Arrow Keys to aim, press Space to throw a Pokeball,” okay. OHHHH!! Oh that’s cool! Can I- Can I aim up? I fucking can! Nice! Ok, ok, ok, right on- Oh it’s like you’re sighting in on a fuckin’ sniper rifle. Right on Cubone’s head! Nice! Get ’em- It’s like Pokemon Snap, actually. Hello! *grunts* Got ’em! God, they just- I don’t even CATCH them, I just EVAPORATE them, look! They just turn into red and die! Aw, look at Pikachu! How could ya not love that little rat bastard! Isn’t he so cute? GET HIM! Get him! Now you’re in my BALLS, Pika Pee! Pika Pee, Pika who? Pikachu! Pika- fuck. *grunts* Nice! Did I get them all? I swear to god, that’s an Eggsecutor behind that bush. That, or it’s a frikken Oddish. I’m one to speak aren’t I? I’m a real life Oddish. CHARMANDER! I love Charmander, he’s my favorite Starting Pokemon ever! And then he evolves into Charizard which is a fuckin’ dragon! Ok, I aimed for the Growlith, but I got the Eevee, whatever bro, gettin’ you all! *grunt* C’mon- It’s so slow! You guys have no idea! How many Pokeballs do I have, by the way? I feel like I’m never running out! But that’s fine, cause there’s only one left to catch. Gotta catch ’em all, gotta catch this little pig bastard. I am the Poke-Master! *victory* Yeah! I thought it wasn’t gonna actually end there for a second. I thought I was gonna hafta go away myself, but I have ALL the Pokemon! Well, SOME of them. Not ALL. Ah it’s Mini Happy Wheels! Oh that’s adorable! Wait, how do I move? Oh, do I have to use these? Go… okay Click! Click! Don’t do it, Steve! Even though you kinda look like me, you’re wearing the same hat. Are you copying me!? You better not be. GO! Oh God I can only… AWWWW, FUCK I can only tap! YEAHehehe! Awwwww, that’s adorable. 100% Impossible Pogo. I’ve seen these a thousand times. I’ve seen them all over the place, but I can DO them! You- Ohh no one believes! No one believes! See this shit? See that?! Got rid of the mine! Mine? More like yours! Ah! Nyuupp buh! DoOon’t do it, fuckin harpoons, watch this, watch, I’m gonna dodge all the harpoons. Do you believe? *(believe in steve)* BELIEVE IN ME! *grunting noise* *sploosh, splat, sound of death* It’s ’cause you didn’t believe. Oh yeah some of you out there were like “I believe in you jack, do it, do it Jack.” But somebody else was like, “eh, I’m not too sure.” It’s YOUR FAULT I shou- *sigh* We’re doing this again, we’re doing it again, we’re doing it again, watch *grunt* *splat* OH! fak Maybe, the secret is to go backness! oooOOO noooo Ooh there is only one direction he can go when he comes back up. That’s into the MiIIIiiiNe. AaaRgh my legs! It’s ok you don’t need them, who needs legs, when you have a face like this *grunt* Hup! YeeEEeSSS fuck the mine. Now the harpoons; the harpoons aren’t gonna be able to hit me this time because i have no LEEEEGS! …no LEGS!! The FUCKING pogo’s stuck on my junk! *struggle noises* guhhh ffffffucking RREGH! EEDEH! KEEBEH! C’mon, now we’re picking up speeeeeed, Pete! *batman voice* fucks sake… There we go! We’re out of it; don’t let that happen again. Don’t Let the BULLSHIT! Happen to you again pete! Because you’re better than that. You’re worth more! Oooooover! D’oh, Come On! Everyone’s always telling me “Jack, Jack Oh you need legs jack. You need this, that, and the other.” You Don’t Need fucking shit! Heh! *k-shwing* *splat* Good Lord! I almost hit everything. *Startled* I did! FLIPS! Did That look like a flip? I mean it WAS. But if you’re not going a certain speed, then it’s not even counted! Hyah! Das Fine! Houeh! Oh, Mother Of Go… Where am I?! I think the secret to this is this mine. Dooon’t touch that booter Ohhhhh okay scooch sco-oh scoochy… I was supposed to make tha- That was sweet! Look it. He’s still standing up. He’s just a little puppet. Make it! Woah ohh ohh! Please come back down into the f- into the victory. You went out over the harpoons didn’t ya? FUCKIT!!! Don’t even touch him, don’t even touch him. Ok, might have to touch him a little bit! Ok, if I can do the same thing again… Come- nooooo… no- just- jus- just, just! Just! Hah! Come on, just- AHHH!!! God! HOW did I even do that?! YES! YES! Oh, don’t hit anything else. DON’T hit anything else. Oh, don’t hit that mine now, oh I know I wanted you to hit it before, and you probably still have that in your brain, but DON’T HIT IT! WE HAVE IT WON, PETE! PETE!!! DUUH! YEAHahaha! Oh I always believed in me! Ohhh… I was like “Oh, sword run! I wonder what that is.” Now I know. Can I knock them all over? HEY that’s easy. Everything’s easy when you’re nice and
*Victory noise* OHH! JESUS! “Here you can see, that we have the first manned Sword Rocket, BLASTING off into space. How do you get into space on swords? Why it’s easy, you just lose your legs and your arms and then you have the weight to go wherever you want!” *more victories*
AND I won again! Successful landing! That felt- SHUT THE FUCK UP! “Welcome to Mine Run!” As in like YOUR run? Mine run? Your run? Mine? MIne?
*Finding Nemo seagulls* Mine Min- Mine. How? Oh, these are just dominoes, these are easy. I can do THIS! “If you’re done playing dominoes, I’d like to-” Ohh no! *boom* *boom*
Keep going, keep going. I wanna keep hearing those explosions! *nothing* There are no more explosions. That’s a bad sign. That means there’s more stuff left to- blow me up! Just go, just go! Just go! DAH! *splat* HOW?! The ODDS of that happening are ASTRONOMICAL. Ye of LITTLE FAITH! It’s all about the speed! Speed is what you need! To get through the mines! It won’t be mine anymore, it’ll be YOURS! I’ve made that joke twice now in this video. Wasn’t good the first time, it’s not gonna be good the second time. Why do I keep trying to COMMIT to that? Stop saying fetch, it’s never gonna happen! *boom* Woah! Nice little haircut there for Bobby, but Billy’s still sittin’ in the back all smug as balls! We got it, we got it. We *snap* got it. Really?! Billy! Billy, it’s all up to you. Billy, can you go? Billy- get outta my fuckin’ face, Dad Ass! Hah, “Dat ass!” BALLS! No fear! N- Oh a little bit of fear, NO FEAR! Get out of my way! I have a mission to do! And that mission involves ME. KICKING. ASS! Dah, where’s that mine? ARE YOU shitting on a taco, telling me it’s minced meat, and then shoving it in my face and telling me to eat it with guacamole?! ‘Cause THAT’S what you’re- Oh, never mind. I’m not gettin’ angry. Shh! Let’s try the little baby way then. The little baby way for BABIES, look, oh, oh, tip! Ohhh, are you having fun yet? Fuckin’ take away my speed, will ya? Th- oh, tink! Ohhhh nice. There we go. Dominoes! Ok, more spaced out. You’re clever, I don’t like that- Oh shit. Still alive. I’m still alive anyway, I don’t know about you but I’m still alive. That’s all- Ohh shit. See I don’t want to hit it, have it come back on top of me. That- I didn’t hear an explosion that time. Ohh come on! REALLY?! Ok, ideas, ideas! When if in doubt, idea it out! Here we go, here we go. You just go EH! No! There we go! YES! Hup! And a- And a hyup! Are you not touchin’ that yet?! Fine, fine. Oh god I’m so SCARED! OH NO! NO! NO! IT’S COMING BACK! *boom* Oh ok, we’re safe, we’re safe. Ahh. Ahhh, it’s like- it’s like being in a camp again. OAH SHIIAT! Knock it over, knock it- Where’s it goin’? Where’s it goin’? Judge it. Judge- Judge the physics, it- *snap* HOW ARE YOUR ARMS JUST POPPING OFF B’wer NOT EVEN MOVIN’! There’s a reason your wife left ya Bobby. There we go, there we go! A- *blows* Yes! I’m doin’ it, I’m doin’ it, I’m doin’ it. Where the fuck did that mine go? AH BALLS! *ding* *boom* *splat* COME THE FUCK ON! There’s only one level I can play after somethin’ like that, and it’s “How to kill yourself.” Because THAT was a LOTTA FAILURE. Oh god! I have sat on this lawn mower for two fuckin’ years! Never did I think, my own ass would be goin’ into it! Larry, Larry, buddy! We love you! But we need to send you off. *kazoos “Taps”* Oh, just do it, just do it. Oh. *grindy*
OH! Oh! I can’t even look! I can’t even LOOK! Oh it’s kinda awesome. “JackSepticEye Swords.” Um, these are regular swords, not JackSepticEye themed swords, I want my money back. *multiple stabbies*
You TOLD me that these are Jack Swords. Can you- Ohh, that’s too many swords! You don’t need that many! Hyeh! Fuck you Betty. Pete! How am I even-? STEVE! Steve, you know when people said
*singing* I believe in you yeah, they were lying! They just said that to make you feel better, ’cause YOU SUCK! How am I even supposed to GET Pete? He’s all the way up there! Hyuh! “Hit JSE to unlock,” Owwh, HYAH! Like- Ok, I get it, HYAH! NO! The only thing I get are swords in my ass apparently! Aw come on… Fuck’s sake. ERH! ERH! Speed is key for all of these levels. Whenever you play a level based around JSE, it’s all SPEED! Don’t hit me, don’t hit me. EH! YES! Now, all I have to do is get Betty, and Billy. No, I didn’t want- Ok. I hit Billy, but- no, no. I hit Billy but it didn’t COUNT apparently. There we go! I got him! “Hit Billy to win.” (it means hit JSE then make Billy hit the locked sword) I JUST DID! How- ? Don’t tell me you’re one of these levels that doesn’t finish. Come on man! I need it, I need it my win. NO! KOBE! *Victory* YEAH! Oh god, “Get the token.” Where’s the token? God, I can’t even- I can’t even manage to keep my arms together! Go Pete! Yes, yes. Pete- *Victory* That doesn’t count. My ARM came off and got it. My ARM got it. As soon as it leaves my body, it’s its own entity! It’s not part of me anymore. See, Pete used to be a gymnast, watch these splits. See? Backflip, somersaults- Oh god. The helmet hit me right in me nards! *Pete yells “Ow my arm!”*
*imitates* My arm! Ok, my arm is stuck underneath the thing. NOW it’s not gonna go anywhere. Ernemer. Fuckin’ arms! They’re the bane of my existence. Ok, let’s just leave him. *snap* Ok, no. NO! I have to get it, not the arm! Not the arm! Now I’m goin’ backwards, I don’t need this shit in my life. I need to go forwards in my life. I’m just gonna eat my own foot. Watch this Ball Technique. Ball Technique, yes! *splat*
Ohhhh, Jesus Christ! Ball Technique is bad! YES! *Victory* YEAHHHH! I did it! And what do I get for my victory? Pineapples and pumpkins! Hold on, they don’t go together. It’s time for some Freeze Balls. I know all about some Freezy Balls. What you want to do is, EH! Nice, see? Now they’re all on the ground. Now they all the groundness. Ok, those are some big black balls.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) But I’m gonna get through this. I gotta get through this! Billy. Get off my fuckin’ bike. Get off my bike. Billy, no! No! It’s not yours anymore. Can you GO AWAY?! NEVER HAVE KIDS! Ok, we’re doin’ it. We’re doin’ it, oh god. Ah Billy! Ugh! Billy, you’re gonna die. Just accept your fate and get on with it. *whispers* Are you fucking kidding me? Look! Look at Bobby! Trying to get away from his child! He’s not allowed! He’s not allowed! He’s just NYUH! YES! GO! For the- *splat* There we go, there we go, he’s missin’ a head now. It’s the fuckin’ seat- *splat* OWWWW! Ok, escape. Escape! Steve, Steve buddy! ESCAPE! STEVE! St- ST- *crash* OH! He’s alive anyway! *shank* And he just, oh, Steve just LOVES to kill himself. Even when the GLASS protects him, Steve’s just like “YAY SPIKES! MNEA!” And he dives towards ’em like a fuckin’ suicidal dolphin. Ok, ok, break the glass. There you go. You’re nothing if not a glass breaker with your face! The glass is broken! Now it’s gonna kill me! No… Steve? Steve? Oh lie flat! Lie flat! STEVE! OWWWCH! Ok, let’s see what happens if I just stay like this. Actually, no. I’m just *crack* Oh balls! And when I don’t want to break it, it breaks! *shank* OW! Let’s just leave him. Let’s just leave Steve to his own devices. Maybe he has a plan in mind. Maybe he has a way of getting out of this that I don’t know. *smash* He fuckin’ does. THAT’S how you escape! OH! That is very close to my face! Ah! Ride the glass! Ride the glass all the way down, like a fuckin’ sled! GO! Oh Steve. *shank* AH they’re in my ass! But it’s better than my face ’cause I’m still alive! *whispers* How do I get down? Use the power of the booty! Go on! Go on Steve! Attaboy! *Victory* YES!!! STEVE is the fuckin’ man. He will PUNCH glass, he will kill children! HE WILL EAT… … SPERM! It was in my head not to say it, and I said it anyway. It’s a Spikefall, it’s called Spikefall 99%, I dunno what the 99% is, impossible? Possible? I don’t know, but Stevieboy is gonna get down there. They did *shank* allow me to pick ANY character, but Steve, is the ONLY one, for the SPIKEFALLS! *splat* Mother of Haysus. That’s- That’s not it Steve! Oh, I tried to hit forward again, but I missed the button Steve I’m sorry! Ok, ok. “Swish and flick!” Yes! OHHHH!!! What?! What killed me? Can we get that in a slow motion replay? *rewind* *deep whale noises* The fuck was that? Soar, majestic evil Stevieboy! *splat* That’s too far! Too far, t- Can you say “too far?” “Too far!” *splat* That’s how far my patience is stretched. Too far. Oh, oh oh oh! You go UP, and over! Oh, that’s not, no no no no NO! There it is, there it is. Through the hole.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) *Victory*
Yes! You only broke a leg, but who needs it? And that does it for this episode of Happy Wheels, Episode 99! Good lord almighty above! The next episode, sadly, is the last episode of Happy Wheels that I will ever do. A lotta people keep askin’ me, “Is it actually the last episode, or am I just joking, and I’m just gonna do something, and then continue it on after that?” I am not. Episode 100 will be the very last episode of Happy Wheels, so, we’re gonna go out with a bang! We’re gonna go- Oh the next episode is gonna be *clap* fuckin’ humdinger! Don’t you worry! So gimme some suggestions, what you wanna see for an episode- the last episode of Happy Wheels.
(10hr livestream?) It’s gonna be- It’s gonna be- It’s gonna be gangbusters. We’re gonna make it the best episode of Happy Wheels ever. How are we gonna do that? I don’t know, so, let’s brainstorm in the comments, because I’m really curious. I have some ideas myself, but I’m really curious what YOU GUYS wanna see as well, ’cause obviously the series’ are for YOU, so we’ll see what happens, but for now… THANK YOU GUYS so much for watching this episode. If you LIKED it, PUNCH that Like Button, in the FACE LIKE A BOSS!!! And, *softly* high fives all around. *W’PSH!* *W’PSH!* But THANK YOU GUYS, and I will see all you dudes… IN THE NEXT VIDEO! *”I’m Everywhere” by Teknoaxe plays* Dat’s fine tho. Dat’s fine. Ah it’s right there, I didn’t know. *angry grunts* Angry boy shakes fist at cloud! Ok no, you go in there…
*MUSIC ENDS* Let’s teleport outta here. Blululu, blululu, blulu- *sigh* We can’t afford the visual effect for teleportation? Well damn it all!