RT Shorts – New Old Car

RT Shorts – New Old Car

There she is, Gus, my pride and joy. Oh, I thought you said you had a new car? Well, it’s my new old car. -You know me, man. I like to keep things authentic.
-True. I don’t need all that fancy stuff. Seatbelts kill more people than they save. -I don’t that’s–
-Hey, check out these rims. GUS: Man, that’s awesome. JASON: Yeah, dude, they’re sweet. Interior’s all original, too. -Can I check it out?
-Yeah, get in. Ah. What is this? Vinyl? -GUS: Sweet.
-JASON: Grade A. Like I said, dude, all original. That is cool, man. Retro, huh? Yeah. Authenticity is important to me. I didn’t even need to replace the radio. It only gets AM stations that haven’t been broadcast since the mid-80s. Damn, man. That is authentic. Don’t you miss your slow jams? Look around, man. This car is all the slow jam I need. And, check out this air freshener. Same year as the car. I had to go to eBay for that. -Shit, you went all out.
-Yeah, I really did. Check this out, Gus. (car struggling) -Is there a problem with the starter or something?
-Oh, definitely. This car had a real flakey ignition system. I could’a got it fixed, but gotta keep it authentic. Wait. Is that smoke? Holy shit, dude. Is there smoke coming out from under your hood? Oh, yeah, look at that. There is. This car was also known for having bad gaskets that would cause oil to leak all over the engine. Creates a ton of smoke. -It’s pretty badass, huh?
-No, not badass that seems like the kind of thing you’d wanna get fixed. I guess, if you wanted to look like a bitch. But… gotta keep it authentic, Gus. You should look under your seat, though. My seat? -What the– Jason, what is this?!
-I’ll tell you what it ain’t: inauthentic. This is real cocaine? Don’t be an idiot, Gus. That’s not a real brick of cocaine. (Gus sighs in relief) -That’s black tar heroine.
-What?! This car was a big time drug runner in the 60s. That H actually cost more than the rest of this car did. But, it was totally worth it. It was worth it? Really? Yeah, it was worth it. If that was cocaine I’d look like a douchebag. Look, Jason, I– (banging noises come from behind them)
Hey! What the hell was that? Don’t even get me started, man. The noises are my least favourite part of this car. Sounds like it’s coming from the trunk. -That’s ‘cos he’s in the trunk.
-What? You have someone in the trunk?! Yes. Shut up, Frank! FRANK: No, you shut up! I told you, man, this car is a hundred-percent authentic. Mobsters used this car, too, to transport bodies in the trunk. It’s actually pretty roomy, if you wanna get back there. -But, you kidnapped someone!
-FRANK: He kidnapped me! Technically I kidnapped somebody. But, I thought he was dead when I put him in there. (laughing) I’ve never seen so much blood come out of one guy. (Frank shouts in background) Listen, Jason. I really appreciate you showing your car and all, but I gotta get outta here before– (sirens wailing)
The cops! -POLICE OFFICER: Attention. This is the police.
-GUS: Oh, my God, the cops… the cops! -POLICE OFFICER: We know you’re in there!
-Really, Gus? The cops? The cops? Can’t you at least say “the fuzz” or “the heat” or something with a little more authenticity to it. What?! POLICE OFFICER: Come out with your hands up! I wonder how they found me. POLICE OFFICER: We tracked you down by the tire marks you left at the scene. We know that they could only have been made by this exact car. Very authentic. See, Gus. At least somebody appreciates my attention to detail. FRANK: I would appreciate being let out of the trunk! No, I wasn’t talking to you, Frank. This is insane. No, Gus. This is perfect. Check in the glove box. Woah. I don’t believe this.
(Jason laughs) Oh, yeah. Made the same year as the car. Pretty sweet, huh? That’s not what I meant! POLICE OFFICER: We are going to give until the count of three to exit the vehicle. Look, Gus, if I don’t make it– -POLICE OFFICER: One…
-You want me to have the car? No, I don’t want you to have the car. I want you to bury me in it. FRANK: Hey, what about me? -Okay, fine. Bury us in it. Are you happy now, Frank?
-POLICE OFFICER: Two… FRANK: Sorry. Wait, I’m not sorry. Fuck you! -POLICE OFFICER: Three! Go get ’em, boys!
-That’s my cue. I forgot, I gotta open it from the outside. No, Jason, don’t! I gotta keep it authentic.
(gun shots) (Gus screams) (loud gun shot) Jason, you’re shot. (Jason coughs) I know. I think I’m dying, Gus. I’ve gotta say, it feels right, though. -It feels–
-Authentic? Nice, Gus. Hey, check under that visor; I left you something that might help you out of his jam. Cash? Is this bribe money? Adios, amigo. -Keep it auth–
-Authentic? Go fuck yourself. You! Outta the car! No, no. I’m not with him, sir. Um… in fact, I was never here. Yeah… you were never here. Wait a second… this money is countefeit! No, no, it’s not counterfeit! It’s authentic. Everything about this car is authentic. Uh-huh… right, buddy. Trying to bribe a cop with phony money? -No, no, no!
-Get out of there! No, damn you, Jason! Damn you! (sirens wailing)
FRANK: Hello? Come back here. FRANK: Hey, I’m– things are getting kinda dark. Darker, I should say. Because I’m in the trunk.

About the Author: Michael Flood


  1. "This car was also known for having bad gaskets that cause oil to leak all over the engine" said every car manufacturer ever

  2. Is Jason part of the Rooster Teeth crew because i've never seen him in anything besides RvB

  3. Frank eventually got out of the trunk, learned Kung Fu and then started Heroes and Halfwits with Geoff and Griffin.

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