The Late Show Wheel Of News

The Late Show Wheel Of News


BUT THERE ARE JUST SO MANY
STORIES OUT THERE, I CAN’T POSSIBLY TALK ABOUT THEM ALL. LUCKILY, I DON’T HAVE TO DECIDE
ANY MORE BECAUSE I’M RELINQUISHING EDITORIAL CONTROL
IN MY NEW SEGMENT: ( AUDIENCE )
WHEEL! OF! NEWS! ♪
♪ ♪
>>STEPHEN: HERE’S HOW THIS WORKS. WE’VE INSTALLED A GIANT SPINNING
WHEEL ON THE CEILING OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH CATEGORIES
— (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
— WITH CATEGORIES LIKE “ENTERTAINMENT,” “POLITICS,
“SPORTS,” AND “GUACAMOLE.” (LAUGHTER)
THOUGH IF IT LANDS ON GUACAMOLE, THAT IS FIFTY CENTS EXTRA. WHEN I PULL THIS LEVER, THE
WHEEL SPINS, THEN I TALK ABOUT WHATEVER CATEGORY IT LANDS ON. HERE’S THE THING. I DIDN’T GIVE THE GUYS ENOUGH
TIME TO FINISH THE DOME. TOTALLY MY FAULT. SO HERE IS WHAT WE’RE GOING TO
DO. SO THIS GUY HOLDING THE POLE
RIGHT HERE — (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THIS IS BRENDAN HURLEY. SAY HI TO BRENDAN, EVERYBODY! (CHEERING)
BRENDAN IS ASLEEP UNDER MY DESK, ITHE BERNIE SANDERS THING THE
OTHER NIGHT, HE WAS UNDER THE DESK FEEDING ME SANDWICHES ON
PLATES. BRENDAN IS ALSO A SCENIC ON THE
SHOW, AND SINCE WE CAN’T GET THE DOME TO WORK RIGHT TONIGHT, HE’S
GOING TO HELP ME WITH THE MODEL WE BASED THE DOME ON, THIS
SPINNING WHEEL. WE’RE GOING TO USE THE MODEL IT
WAS BASED ON TO DO THIS TONIGHT I’M GOING TO SPIN THE WHEEL AND
WHEN IT STOPS, I’LL DO THE THING. YOU GUYS READY TO PLAY? (CHEERING)
SHOW BUSINESS! (LAUGHTER)
YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE CLICKY SOUND.>>OKAY. TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK… TICK… TICK.>>Stephen: KEEP TICKING. TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK… TICK LIS… TICK…>>Stephen: OKAY. IT LANDED ON “CHEESE NEWS.”>>DING, DING, DING, DING!>>Stephen: THE LATEST HARD OR
EVEN SEMISOFT NEWS ABOUT KURDLEED DAIRY. THIS WEEK, A SHOCKING DISCOVERY
FROM THE PARMESAN WARS, BECAUSE THE U.S.D.A. REVEALED THAT SOME
CHEESE SUPPLIERS OF GRATED PARMESAN CHEESE HAVE BEEN ADDING
WOOD PULP. (AUDIENCE REACTS)
IS THATHAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S WHAT I SAID. YOUR PARMESAN IS SPORTING WOOD. NOW THEY EXPLAIN THIS WOOD PULP
IS JUST CELLULOSE WHICH IS USED AS AN ANTI-CLUMPING AGENT. AND SURE, “A LITTLE
ANTI-CLUMPING AGENT NEVER HURT ANYONE.” BUT SOMETIMES IT IS A LOT OF IT. A SAMPLE OF PARMESAN FROM ONE
GROCERY CHAIN WAS 8.8% WOOD PULP. BUT ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOUR
LASAGNA IS AS STURDY AS AN IKEA BOOKSHELF. NOW PERSONALLY, I AM OUTRAGED BY
THIS BREACH OF TRUST. I DON’T CHECK ON WHAT GOES INTO
MY MOUTH, BUT I HAVE ALWAYS ASSUMED SOMEONE DOES. NOW! MORE NEWS! MORE NEWS! OKAY. HOLD ON. HOLD ON. YOU SPIN IT. DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT PULLS
THE LEVER? GIVE ME YOUR OTHER HAND. READY IN OKAY!>>TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK!>>Stephen: OH, OH, OH! OH, LOOKS LIKE IT MIGHT BE MINI
CLUBMAN INTEGRATION. O, IT LANDS ON “MENTAL HEALTH.”
>>DING, DING, DING, DING! (LAUGHTER)
>>Stephen: OKAY. GREAT, THIS IS A TOPIC THAT IS
NOT COVERED ENOUGH IN THE MEDIA, AND IT IS IMPORTANT TO TAKE A
MOMENT TO SHINE A LIGHT ON IT. A BEAUTIFUL LIGHT LIKE… THE INTERIOR AMBIENT LIGHTING
MOLDED INTO THE 2016 MINI CLUBMAN DOORS! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND THAT’S IT FOR “MENTAL HEALTH.” LET’S SPIN AGAIN!>>TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK,
TICK! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>TICK… TICK… TICK…>>Stephen: ACCORDING TO A
RECENT STUDY, PEOPLE WHO ARE SIGNIFICANTLY
OVERWEIGHT MAY PERCEIVE DISTANCES AS BEING GREATER THAN
THEY ACTUALLY ARE. WHICH EXPLAINS THE OLD JOKE “YO
MAMMA IS SO FAT, HER DEPTH PERCEPTION IS WILDLY
INACCURATE.” (LAUGHTER)
LET’S SPIN AGAIN! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>TICK, TICK, TICK…>>Stephen: CLICK WITHOUT
CONTEXT! JIM! (BARKING)
LET’S SPIN AGAIN! I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER FOR
BEING WITH ME AT THIS MOMENT. WHICH ONE IS THIS ONE? “SWITCHBLADE LAWS!”
LIKE MOST KNIFE NEWS, THIS ONE COMES FROM WISCONSIN.>>GOVERNOR SCOTT WALKER PUT PEN
TO PAPER TODAY TO SIGN NEW LEGISLATION LIFTING THE BAN ON
CONCEALED SWITCHBLADES. THE GOVERNOR SAYS IT’S A MEASURE
PROTECTING FREEDOM SUPPORTED BY THE CONSTITUTION. THE BAN ON SWITCHBLADES HAD BEEN
IN EFFECT SINCE THE 1950S.>>STEPHEN: THAT’S RIGHT. SCOTT WALKER HAS LIFTED
WISCONSIN’S 60-YEAR-OLD BAN ON CONCEALED SWITCHBLADES. I APPLAUD THE GOVERNOR;
SWITCHBLADES ARE THE IMPORTANT ISSUE OF 2016. BECAUSE LET’S SAY YOU ARE JUST
CRUISING DOWN TO THE MALT SHOP WITH YOUR BEST GAL, ONLY TO RUN
INTO SOME TOUGHS WHO WANT TO RACE YOU FOR THE PINKS TO YOUR
T-BIRD. YOU HAVE GOT A CONSTITUTIONAL
RIGHT TO TAKE OUT YOUR BLADE AND SLICE THAT LETTER RIGHT OFF HIS
VARSITY JACKET. REMEMBER, RUMBLES CAN HAPPEN
ANYTIME, ANYWHERE — SOCK HOPS, FIVE-AND-DIMES, THE OLD
AQUEDUCT, JIMMY’S GARAGE WHERE THEY LET YOU SMOKE AFTER SCHOOL. WITHOUT YOUR BLADE, YOU COULD
END UP DEADSVILLE, DADDY-O. KEEP IN MIND, IF YOU ARE NEW TO
IT, IT IS IMPORTANT TO TOSS IT FROM HAND TO HAND. THAT WAY THEY NEVER KNOW WHICH
HAND YOU ARE COMING AT THEM WITH. GIMME NEWS… (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>>TICK, TICK, TICK. TICK, TICK, TICK.>>Stephen: I WANT TO WARN OUR
AFFILIATES, WE MIGHT BE GOING LONG.>>TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK.>>Stephen: NATIONAL
MONUMENTS!>>NATIONAL MONUMENTS? TICK, TICK, DING! (LAUGHTER)
>>Stephen: THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE SAYS A
PHILANTHROPIST IS DONATING $18.5 MILLION TO HELP RESTORE THE
LINCOLN MEMORIAL. HOPEFULLY, THAT IS ENOUGH TO
MAKE LINCOLN STAND UP AND TALK — LIKE HE DOES AT DISNEY
WORLD. PERSONALLY, I THINK THE MONEY
WOULD BE BETTER SPENT ON THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT. THAT THING LOOKS NOTHING LIKE
HIM. THERE YOU GO. (APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LET’S PRETEND I SPUN IT!>>TICK, TICK, TICK!>>Stephen: FIVE SECOND
SAXOPHONE SOLO, HIT IT, EDDY! ♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>>Stephen: MORE NEWS! “A RECENT STUDY!”
AGAIN. A RECENT STUDY SAYS HUMANS AND
NEANDERTHALS INTERBRED 50,000 YEARS EARLIER THAN PREVIOUSLY
THOUGHT, PROVING SOMETHING ELSE IS 50,000 YEARS OLDER THAN WE
THOUGHT: BEER GOGGLES. (LAUGHTER)
WANT TO TRY? WE’RE GOING FOR ENTERTAINMENT.>>TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK,
TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK… TICK, TICK…>>Stephen: I’VE GONE AROUND
ALL THE WAY ONCE. I DON’T THINK IT’S ON HERE!>>DING!>>Stephen: THERE IT IS! ENTERTAINMENT! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE OSCAR PRODUCERS ARE NOW PROMISING THAT THIS TELECAST
WILL BE “THE MOST DIVERSE EVER.” THAT’S RIGHT, PEOPLE OF EVERY
RACE, COLOR, AND CREED WILL BE ON HAND TO GIVE A TROPHY TO
WHATEVER WHITE PERSON WINS. (LAUGHTER)
>>Stephen: WELL, THAT’S IT, FOLKS! LET’S GIVE IT ONE MORE SPIN! IT BETTER BE ON HERE! I DON’T KNOW! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THERE IT IS! READY? OH! COMMERCIAL BREAK! PERFECT! WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TEÉA
LEONI!

About the Author: Michael Flood

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