Tour Bus Bus Tour

Tour Bus Bus Tour

Good morning Hank, it’s Tuesday. Greetings from beautiful and somewhat windy, Chamberland, South Dakota. So, Hank, earlier today I signed what I believed to be every copy of Turtles All The Way Down currently available for sale or borrowing in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and I met a lot of wonderful librarians, and booksellers, and confused Target shoppers. And I also filmed the whole thing, and it would have made a great video, but then I destroyed my memory card. What happened–and I desperately wish I were making this up– is that I was eating pretzel chips by the handful, because of course I was, while fiddling with my memory card and–um– somehow my hands got confused about what was what. I mean, to be fair, a memory card and a pretzel chip have almost the exact same thickness and overall weight, but really that’s not a great excuse. So yeah, what happened is that I put the memory card into my mouth, and then I chewed it. The weird part–well actually I guess it’s all weird parts–but the weirdest part is that when I bit down on the memory card, my first thought was, ‘huh that pretzel chip is very crunchy,’ and so my natural reaction was to attempt to chew it again. Now, it does not appear to be damaged–there’s a couple very small tooth marks–but, it’s toast. I’m gonna let this frustration go in a minute, but just as a parting remark, I would like to note that it says right here on the memory card that it is an ‘Extreme Pro Memory Card’. And, look, obviously I shouldn’t have chewed on my memory card, but I would argue that any non-food Item that can be destroyed by human chewing should not describe itself as ‘Extreme Pro’. Alright, let’s go on a tour bus bus tour. Hey, that’s a palindrome–nope– no, it is definitely not. So, the first thing you see when you come inside is the driver’s seat–that’s where Brock lives. Once you walk onto the bus, you come to the first seating area which I like to think of as the office. It’s sort of the quiet part of the bus where everybody’s always on their computer answering emails, etc. But the great thing about the office, is that it’s also sort of the dining room due to its proximity to the kitchen. By the way, there are the offending pretzel chips… We really have everything you need in a kitchen; a microwave, a sink, and a banana holder. Past that, you get to the bathroom. We have a very nicely appointed, if somewhat small, bathroom; but there’s one very important rule about the bus bathroom which is no pooping in the bus bathroom, not because of like moral concerns, but the tubes are too small. Then you come to our refrigerator, which is mostly diet soda, La Croix, there’s some beer, there’s some baby carrots down there that nobody’s ever eaten… And then past the bathroom, we have the bedrooms: eight beautiful bunks. Here’s mine. I’m sorry I didn’t make my bed for you, but here are two cute puppies I got at Target Headquarters. Hank’s bunk is directly beneath mine– –he didn’t make his bed either. And then past the bedroom, is the second seating area which I like to think of as, like, the rec room because it contains my Nintendo switch. So, this is kind of the hangout area–because the engines right back there, it’s a little bit louder and there’s more side-to-side motion; and when we first started on tour, everyone was really nauseated and nobody wanted to sit back here, but now we’ve all got our bus legs. Now, the great thing about the bus is that there’s so much storage, like you know, that bag which contains 850 plastic Turtles. In fact, there’s plastic Turtles everywhere. We’ve got plastic Turtles in the shoe closet, we’ve got a cute little turtle moose in the Sharpie drawer–yes, we have a Sharpie drawer,– –we’ve even got some Holden turtle fields in the microwave.See, he’s wearing his people hunting hat. We’ve even got Turtles with top hats in our popcorn and applesauce drawer. It really is kind of a Turtles all the way down situation. Okay, Hank, I’m gonna go hide some signed plastic turtles here in Chamberlain, South Dakota. We’re leaving them everywhere we stopped; you can find hints to their location on my Instagram story. And thanks again to everyone in Sioux Falls who was so incredibly nice to me– –sorry that I chewed on all of our memories. Hank, I will see you on Friday–actually I’ll see you like on Thursday, but you know what I mean.

About the Author: Michael Flood


  1. +
    I finally received TATWD! I simply got a signed copy, I did not get so lucky as to get a Hanklerfish, pokèball, yeti, or any other adorable scribbles. I am however over the moon with the fact that I physically have the book, no more worrying about it possibly becoming lost in the mail.

  2. Whoa, this is so cool! I clicked on this video from the Trending videos because I was curious if the tour would be anywhere near me. I was just going to look for a link in the description to see a list of cities, but I ended up watching the first part of the video because I found out that you're in my state! I'm going to go try to find one of the turtles or a book tomorrow!!

  3. As a film student who uses SD cards for everything and also enjoys a good pretzel chip, your predicament is a very real fear for me

  4. John you look SO RELAXED in this video it's like a metric ton of anxiety and apprehension has been unloaded from your shoulders. I don't know if I'm right, but I hope I am. Congrats on your new book and the relief and release that seems to have followed it.

  5. Not only does he write pablum, he brags about how many flock to obtain his autograph. Why would America elevate someone like this bozo and his bozo brother to celebrity status?

  6. John: What happened, and I desperately wish I were making this up… I chewed on my memory card.

    I honestly think this is the most entertaining thing I've heard all day
    XD Love you John, and you're right. It wasn't really extreme-pro

  7. My dentist once told me that chewing can create up to 200 kg. pressure onto what is chewed at a particular moment. Adding to that the sharpness of one's teeth I am not surprised that you wrecked your memory card 😀

  8. I liked this video in the first 40 seconds, which is something I've never done before. I would not have done so if you didn't chee on a memory stick. So there you go, eating memories makes for better videos.

  9. No, it's[the memory card] not toast; that's the problem 😅. All jokes aside though, that sucks, and I am sorry.

  10. I have a very important question for Hank!!! You guys said absolutely NO POOPING on the bus, but Hank has a dumb butt, as Alice puts it. Where does Hank do all of his pooping?!?!?!!

  11. John Green, world famous YouTuber and best selling author, does dumb shit like the rest of us. I feel so much better about myself. Never change, John ❤️

  12. I sent my sister to buy one copy of each from the Barnes and Noble in Sioux Falls! Thanks for signing all those books

  13. LOL at the pretzel chip memory card mix up. For some reason, this made me laugh out loud harder than anything in a long time.

  14. hey John is the any advice you have about going off to college and how to afford it? Scholarships can be tricky and sometimes it almost seems like they’re not worth it and I don’t want to go into crippling debt just to get an education :/

  15. No the memory card isn't toast and therefore not edible. Please don't tell people their memory cards are toast laugs sorry my humor exists in a very strange part of my brain

  16. I guess now we know the reason why Nintendo Switch Cartridges taste like shit,
    so that John doesn't put his copy of FIFA 18 into his mouth and chews it

  17. So proud of you, John! I noticed a case of New Glarus in your fridge 🙂 You have good taste, sir! Hello from Madison, WI

  18. Next time back it up! (the memory with the memories) before you have the opportunity to munch on it. And when are you bringing the bus to the Cincinnati area? I'd like to see the DFTBA tour bus.

  19. So I saw u guys ion tour and my mom took a pic of me by the bus and it was like on and I was really scared it would run my over

  20. I'm very sorry about your card and your memories and that you didn't get the snack experience that you desired, but as you told your sad tale, I laughed until I cried. Please have a nice day. DFTBA.

  21. You are in top form in this vid, John! Nice to see you full of energy. You also seem happy and healthy, which is good for anyone. Best wishes.

  22. At about 1:18 I paused the video to say to my computer, "Hey, that's a palindrome". I unpaused it and heard, "No it is not." Oh darn. Me to John. Me too.

  23. anyone notice how the tour bus bus tour resembles the description of Quentin’s car in Paper towns when they drive to Agloe?

  24. Whooooaaaaa, this is a super duper dope setup! I love the freedom that having a tour bus/tiny home brings…. but I hate paying rent, so I converted a box truck into my mobile studio/tour bus/home on wheels. Just getting this channel going, but if you loved this vid I'm sure you'll love mine too. So come check it out! 🙂

  25. Why don't you come to India? We love your books here, its an amazing country and there are a bunch of nerdfighters!!!!

  26. Are you really a hyper-spastic-nerdy talker guy who ends his sentences emphatically downward? Strange. Or, is this just a cheap schtick for YouTube clicks. We may never really know. But I think we actually know.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *