Used People – King of the Lot – Uncensored

Used People – King of the Lot – Uncensored

– [Michelle] What do
you think Lou wants to talk to us about? I cannot be in trouble. I can’t be in trouble! – What would you
be in trouble for? – I don’t know. The
other day I ate a donut. – Why would you be in
trouble for eating a donut? Was it Lou’s donut? – No, maybe, I don’t know. The point is, I shouldn’t
have eaten the donut. – Say you’re in here
for eating a donut. Why would I be in here too? – Well, he’s going to
fire me for eating a donut and you’re getting fired too. – But why would I be
getting fired too? I didn’t eat a donut. I ate a bagel. You know what? Donuts and bagels
are bread cousins. – No, you’re getting
fired because you’re not good at selling cars. – I’m great at selling cars. I’m good at four things, smoking weed, playing bass, rationing enough barbecue
sauce for each chicken nugget, and selling cars. – Well I’m good at five things, counting calories, sumo squats, stopping the fast
forward on the DVR right as the show’s
starting again, naming cats, and selling cars. – How is naming cats a strength? – Easy. Secrets, Temple of Doom, Bond James Bond, Basket, Secretary Madeleine Albright. – Those are grea… –
[Michelle] Oh wait, Colin Meow. – Okay, that’s good. – He’s a black cat. – Yeah. – With white paws.
– [Dan] Okay. – [Dan] those are
great cat names but that doesn’t mean you’re
better at selling cars than I am. – I sell cars like
you take bong hits. – You sell nine cars behind
the trailer every day? – Okay, you take
too many bong hits. – There’s only one
way to settle this. – Oh, whoever sells
car first is king. – Wouldn’t you want to be queen? – No, because a queen
still implies that there’s like a man in power of you and I don’t want (mumbles). I’m king. – You know you’re
going to die alone? – Yeah, probably. Whoever sells a
car first is king. – Deal.
– [Michelle] Deal. – That’ll have to do. No. – Okay. (heavy instrumental beats) – That’s a good deal, right? You know, you get
what I’m saying! This is a good car,
you got a good deal. You hear what I’m saying. Okay, okay. Alright, you know. Well we, okay. Sorry for touching you. – Power makes up for a lot. – How many kids you got? – Three. We actually just lost
their father overseas. – Oh, perfect. – Excuse me? – Bald eagle’s maybe
your spirit animal. It’s illegal to kill that bird. – Did you serve? – No, I was a busboy. Oh, war. – You’re gonna
walk away from me? You trying to get me
to have a crush on you? Because it worked. – You are a piece of shit. – Yeah. – Great, so with your credit, the car will basically
be taken care of with these three
payments we set up. – How in the hell
did you sell a car? It’s only been half the day. – Great. So why don’t you take
this in the office, and Lou will get you
set up with the title and the correct paperwork, and you’ll be good to go. Thank you. Ha. I am king! In your face, peasant. In your face! – Wow, you’re a mean king. Something didn’t add up. That woman walked right onto
the lot directly up to you, and you immediately
sell her a car? – I’m very good at my job. – What’s up? – Fine, it’s Judith. She’s from my fitness
fan fiction group. She said she wanted
to buy a car. I said if she came in today, I’d work in my
employee discount. – What the hell is
fitness fan fiction? – Oh, it’s great. It’s classic love stories,
but then we add in descriptions of workouts that
the main characters are doing. Like for example, take
the story of The Notebook, amazing on its own, but then
we add in the characters doing high-rep,
low-weight workouts. It’s great. I mean, The Porch Railing essentially becomes-
– [Dan] Got it. Got it. – [Dan] What a terrible
thing to do to storytelling, and I shouldn’t count
that as a legitimate sale, but I’m going to, because I
feel terrible about your life. – Aw, thank you. And I’m really sorry I said
you were bad at selling cars. – Thanks. – And that I told the mechanics you have trouble
getting an erection. – What? – Let’s go tell
Lou the good news! – Getting or maintaining? – Both! (grunts) – You guys know why I
have you in here, right? – Listen, Lou. I know we haven’t been
the most productive, but Michelle and I are
really trying to motivate ourselves to sell more cars. I promise. (man chuckles) – That’s great, Dan, but
that’s not why you’re in here. See, a true test of character is how much someone
can trust you, and that’s not an
easy thing to build. Take Carl here. When he wandered in here, he had the posture of a wet rat, and kind of smelled like one, and I gotta be honest with you,
for the first couple months I thought about killing him, but, over time, he
earned my trust. He’s loyal. He’s like a police dog. You know those dogs that they
train to bite minorities? That’s my boy, Carl. – I’ve always said
that Carl does have the brain capacity of an animal. – That ain’t the point, stoner! Which one of you
assholes ate a donut? I buy a two day supply
right down to the donut for calorie counting. Now who took my donuts? – That’s not technically
how you count calories. It’s done a little
bit differently. (mocking in a whiny pitch) – The point is, Michelle,
that was my property, and it was stolen from me, and if it happens again, suspension from the
lot and paperwork duty. Do we understand each other? – [Both] Yes. – Good. Get your skinny white
fucking lazy millenial, fucking gluten-free
asses out of my office! Okay? Good, get out. – Notice how he
didn’t say bagel? He said donut, so
that was all you. Hope it was worth it. – Actually I felt
really guilty about it. I feel guilty
about this one too.

About the Author: Michael Flood


  1. I wanted this to be funny, but all the willpower I could manage couldn't bring it above the level of a waiter who thinks he's funny but really isn't. Too bad.

  2. The chick reminds me of a less quirky Kristen Schaal. The guy reminds me of… Ugh, what is his name!? EITHER WAY, both these actors/comedians are gunny & deserve a bit of stardom via their own show on CC soooooo… GET ON IT UNIVERSE!!

  3. Please replace Michelle with someone else. I don’t know what’s worse, her sense of humor or her voice

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