Used People – Michelle’s Ex Ty – Uncensored

Used People – Michelle’s Ex Ty – Uncensored


– Come on Lou. I just need to take an
hour off to run an errand. – Nope, I need you
on the lot today. Even if it is a red day. – A red day? – Yeah you know,
your lady thing. – My period? – Please don’t say that word. – Why, it’s just a word. – It’s gross. – What would you rather me day, shedding of my uterine lining? – I’d rather you say nothing. Maybe, I don’t know,
sell some cars. – That is what we’re here for. – Shut up Carl And Lou, come one, my ex is
going to stop by the lot today to pick something up and I
really rather not be here. – Michelle, you
don’t get to choose when you come and go from work. – Carl, I wish you
would have joined a cult so you could only bother
people that deserve it. – I tried. – What have I always told you? – People are sheep when they
come on the lot fleece them. – No, well yeah, but I always say, “I don’t
care about your personal life” right? – Come on, it’s court ordered, and my ex knows it’s due
today and that I’m working so he’s coming by the
lot to pick it up. – What did you say
about court ordered? You get caught stretching in front of that
middle school again? – It was one time. They thought I was
a substitute teacher trying to lure students. – I mean, in their defense, you do look like a
young substitute teacher that is just about
to give up hope. – Thanks. – You two shut up. Dan stop eating on the lot. Michelle, you can’t
go home today, and sell some fucking
cars will you. Jesus Christ! Jack offs! (Carl hissing) – [Dan] So why you
trying to leave? – My ex-husband has to
come pick something up. – You were married? – Yeah. – You have the emotional
capability of a steel pipe. – It was a passionate
relationship and we eloped. – Where like Vegas? Reno? – No, Gold’s Gym. – Huh? – Yeah, we were both members and one of the zumba
instructors was ordained. So one day after a work
out we got married. – Yeah, that’s why I
don’t go to the gym. – That’s why? – Well one of the reasons. I also have wide feet. – Gross. – Like really wide feet. By Army standards I’m F4, unfit for military service. – You tried to join the Army? – Oh god no. I hate conflict. I just like finding excuses
to get out of stuff. – Anyway, we got married. I quickly realized it
was a huge mistake. I tried to get it annulled. We couldn’t. We got divorced and
now I’m a divorcee. I’m a divorcee. – So what’s he picking up? – Alimony. – You get paid alimony. That’s the best. It’s like investing in
your sexual abilities to the point that if
it doesn’t work out you still get paid. – You are a human chain wallet. He’s not dropping off alimony, he’s picking up alimony. I was the breadwinner. I win, I always win. I win bread. – Wait, this guy gets alimony. He’s awesome. – No he’s not. – Yes he is. – No. – Yes.
– No. – Yeah.
– He’s not. He’s terrible. He’s the worse. – No, he’s awesome. – No.
– Yes. – No, he’s not. – Yes, yes, yes, yes.
– No, no, no, no. He’s here. He’s right there. You’ve got to give it to him. – What is this? – It’s a check. Give him the check and
just give it to him. – I don’t want to
meet your ex-husband. God damn it, she Batman me. – Yo, what’s up bro? – Hi, I’m Dan. Can I help you? – Yeah, is Shelly around? – Oh hi, you must
be her ex-husband. – Yeah, love of her life. She blew it. – Yeah bro. She talks about you
like, dude, all the time. – Really?
– Yeah. – You know what though, she’s always worried
about her career. Never worried about my dream. – Oh yeah, what
was your dream dog? – Protein shake
that’s also a vodka. Boom. – But wait. It’s protein with vodka? – Yeah, no, it’s
a protein shake. – Yeah. – That can also
double up as vodka. So you drink your protein
while you’re in the club. It’s vodka with protein. I call it Vodpro. – Yeah, that’s sick dog. – Thanks bro. – Sure dude. – What do you eat bread? – Yeah, it’s delicious. – Dude, I haven’t
had bread since 1986. – That was like, wasn’t
Reagan in office? – Who? Reagan? Sounds like a hot
chick I banged. – I was talking about a
president that’s dead. – Feel my abs. Feel my abs. Feel that shit. – Wow.
– Exactly. – Really? – I have nine abs. – Dude, I get it. – Yeah dude, slow
down on the bread. – Yeah. – Got to just go wild game. That’s what I do. Elk, bison. – Those are buffalo right? – I’ll eat a fucking
Native American. I don’t give a shit. – Yeah, well anyways, here’s your alimony check. You might want to check that. Make sure it’s all
there, she’s cheap. – Yeah, you’re telling me. I was married to
her for two years. She never bought one
canister of whey protein. – Dude, I’ve been working
with her for months, she’s never bought
me cup of coffee. – Fucking Shelly. – Fucking Shells. – The worst.
– Yeah. Hey Lou, could I
get a sales packet. – Why, who’d you sell a car to? – Oh, my new friend, Ty. – You sold a car
to my ex-husband? – Shouldn’t have hung me
out to dry on the lot. – How? He’s broke. You sneaky son of a bitch. You’re like that trader
that convinced me to invest in subprime mortgages. And yeah, I did
the due diligence. I knew it was risky. I knew the numbers
didn’t quite work, but then I made a huge bonus
for making a smart play. Naturally I got a
little bit greedy, and all of a sudden
I’m responsible for the collapse
of a hedge fund. Can’t even blame it on me. I was just a 23 year old who loved power walking,
yelling at phones. – Shut up. None of us care. And if you keep babbling
I’m going to lose my sale, because Ty’s got the
attention span of a mosquito. – Yeah, but you can crack
eggs on his obliques. – Both of yous, get the fuck out. (electronic music) – So what’s up, you
hooking up with Shelly? – Oh god no. – Okay.

About the Author: Michael Flood

82 Comments

  1. The timing is awful, the delivery is flat, DiPaolo would be more believable at an AIPAC rally, the girl is terrible, DiStefano is legally incompetent, and whoever edited this should be punt cunched for every take but especially "she's never boughten me a cup of coffee". crackle crackle, but seriously, Soder, I'm so sorry for your loss.

  2. I just love the fact that she has such a squeaky voice. I didn't laugh but I didn't mind. I guess now I've got to find a rubber duck to squeeze. Oh Michelle… Hilarious. She should get another squeakier voice to relate to… like Seth Meyers.

  3. Lol the bit about the hedge fund. She was working at Bear Stearns when they went under. I never heard of Michelle Wolf before the WHCD, and now I'm obsessed.

  4. Never boughten me? I wanna make fun, but as a linguist I know I shouldn't. But also, kudos for a sketch where people talk like real people, regionalisms and all.

  5. This reminds me of some old Jay and Silent Bob skits Kevin Smith did for MTV a billion years ago. Anyone else? NO? Ah fuck, I'm old.

  6. She so fucking terrible Dan's the man and it only hurts his career to be fucking doing shit with that PIG
    CRACKLE… CRACKLE

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