Wheel of Future History

Wheel of Future History


Are you worried about the future? Are you concerned for your species’ survival? Are your tentacles lacking wetness, or even chapping slightly? Well for the last one, try Octo-moist. Octo-moist. Moistness when it matters. *octo-jingle plays* Not suitable for heptapods. For the first two though, well, it’s time to play another game of… wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel of Future History. Our next contestant today is called- *aside* fuck are they called? Ah yes, Hu-mans. Yes, well, come on up then, don’t be shy. Yes, big hand for the Monkeys. Big hand. Yes, that’s enough, shut up. Right, hu-mans. You know the rules of the game do you? No? Well the main aim of Wheeeeeeeeeeeeel of Future History is… Not to go extinct as a species. Your species, well, let’s just say things are about to get a little bit bumpy. Now Margery here- MARGERY WAKE UP YOU LEPTON Is going to give the wheel of Future History a spin and find out where the human species is going. Could be amazing. Could be mega shit. So let’s see what you could end up winning. Well firstly there are the utopias They come in several flavors, there is: Technological utopia. You might master automation, relieving all humans of labor jobs, banishing any need for human employment allowing your species to, well, pursue whatever they want to. Robotics and algorithms will tend to almost all unwanted work and facilitate blissful daily living. Since there’ll be no scarcity there will be almost no conflict Meaning war vanishes, and humans live perpetually in peace forevermore mostly eating nice food, Reproducing very loudly, and having a jolly old time. Okay, I hear you ask. But will there be dogs? Yes. There will. There’s also AI utopia. machine intelligence is able to assist if not take over a number of human projects including science, design, administration, and diplomacy. And streamlines and improves each area respectively, and radically raises the general global standard of human living for all- and no Skynet shit. There’s also scientific utopia: aging is treated as an illness and cured. Disease has also been eradicated Death has become voluntary, particle physics is finished, and a successful theory of everything unites general relativity and quantum mechanics (called string theory). The origin of biology is understood. Toast no longer falls butter side down Consciousnesses explained scientifically. The mechanisms of reality itself are now out in the open, and your race is no longer a bumbling pack of confused idiots. No offense. Then there’s ecological utopia: your species begins living in harmony with nature, Stops being dicks to the planet, and returns to a subsistence way of living in conjunction with high technology. Industry still exists but is entirely sustainable, And Mother Nature is allowed to reassert her sovereignty over the planet. Everything is kind of organic But not shit and hipstery, just… nice Political utopia: political conflict is rendered pointless and citizens never have to worry about their offspring ending up in Wars Governments are able to put their energy and influence into improving the welfare of their own citizens and the world goes full-on Scandinavian Oh, yeah Cake is free all the time and also there are dogs. And finally the main prize, Galactic utopia. You begin colonizing other planets in the solar system And maybe even perfect faster-than-light travel and colonize other star systems, too. Even if there’s an extinction event on your home planet, your race will now survive indefinitely Up until all cosmic resources run out or you reverse cosmic entropy itself. The golden age of trade and cooperation dawns, As well as exploration of the known and unknown universe, and humanity is unified into a single great empire. Humans finally take their rightful place in the heavens, utilizing entire galaxies for energy to fuel their godlike projects. Knowledge and wisdom guide your civilization forever more, Petty squabbles are a thing of the past, the very cosmos itself revels in your success. It goes without saying that there’s free cake and dogs and stuff. But, for every utopia there is of course a dystopia And if you bollocks up the future you might instead get Technological dystopia: technology is instead used for controlling populations including constant surveillance and mass misinformation. No, one is considered an authority on anything anymore. Possibly humans are genetically engineered in such a way that they cease to be human or most of their functions are outperformed by machines. Humans are obsolete and miserable and technology serves to enslave rather than liberate your species. AI dystopia: Artificial intelligence either commandeers or subverts human history and does not have the species best interests at heart, Or is too powerful with not enough safety parameters. In short, everything is either miserable or thermonuclear and game over for the entire species. Ecological dystopia: you mess up the planet to the point of no return, over fish the oceans, ruin the atmosphere, etc. Earth is no longer capable of supporting mammalian life, and extinction ensues for your entire species. Political dystopia: either earth becomes united by a single tyrannical government or most governments turn tyrannical. But in any case, it’s horrific, and politicking has been perfected to such an extent that no one can effectively rise up against it. Possible lasting famine, enslavement, utter depravity and ruin for the species with no hope of recovery. Or the non galactic scenario: Humans never bothered with reaching other planets let alone the rest of the galaxy. A single mass extinction means total obliteration for silly petrol monkeys, and a human space Empire is never constructed. Mankind goes gentle into that good night. Wild animals reclaim the cities, Satellites fall back to earth, and within a few thousand years, Passing extraterrestrials wouldn’t even have an inkling your species ever existed, let alone flourished for a time. And there are a few other scenarios of course. Maybe you merge with technology to become a cyber species Or there’s a Nickleback revival tour, Or political collapse returning you to the dark ages and never recovering, Or you use genetics to elevate other species to the level of human sentience and immediately regret that decision, (Dolphins fucking hate you by the way.) Or you create simulated reality that’s so convincing and malleable, humans mostly lose interest in actual reality Assuming this is actual reality. Or you reach the end of Technology and find out the lots of stuff just isn’t possible, And instead stay content with free cake, and dogs and stuff, Which is alright. Or one of 10 million other disaster scenarios. Economic, political, technological, whatever. Meaning the obliteration of your species. And that is the wheeeeeel of future history. And those are the rules. So how do you go about winning, then? Well, that’s a bit more complicated. If you can wield technology your ancestors never dreamt of and use that power in a way they would be proud; If you can utilize your birth planet without destroying it, yet still take all that you need; If you can kill labor without killing ambition; If you can create administrations without giving birth to tyranny; If you can think as a collective without losing individuality; If you can expand your reach without diminishing your integrity; If you can unravel nature without thinking yourself smarter than her; If you contain the elements without subverting them; If you can build your homes on distant worlds while still taking care of the home you evolved on; If you can safeguard for future generations without forgetting those who came before; If you can accept your violent pasts while still fostering your galactic future; If you can spread across the Stars without your empire spreading too thin; If you can take to the Galactic stage without forgetting your lines; Then yours is the cosmos, and everything that’s in it. And more than that, Then you’ll be a mankind my son. Then you’ll be a mankind. Well, it’s time. Marjorie, spin the wheel please. So good luck. It’s been an absolute pleasure watching you develop as a species, I guess. And you know petrol monkeys, You’ve done some pretty stupid shit over the years, but there is cause for optimism. Because despite all of your idiocy, you’ve still somehow managed to find the time for… Exploration, science, technology, culture, civilization, philanthropy, fiction, genius, collaboration, language, the arts, endeavor, curiosity, daring, persistence, and rationality. Look, you’ve survived hundreds of thousands of generations, yeah? Famine, drought, and war. And you’ve got a global civilization now. You might be living on other planets in no time, or cracking the really big secrets of nature, Or just getting over all your monkey rubbish and having a good time. You’re gonna feel mighty silly if you screw it all up because you got too clever, or too fighty, or too apathetic. What do you think those are? They’re not window dressing, they’re an invitation. But you have to behave yourself until you get there, all right? For the sake of everyone who came before and everyone who will come after, there may not be another chance now. Don’t fuck it up, monkeys. Not before you conquer your primitive tendencies, Not before you spread out into space, Or at the very least, Not before all your great ambitions have finally run dry. And speaking of dryness, Wheel of Future History is proudly sponsored by octo-moi- *cuts off*

About the Author: Michael Flood

100 Comments

  1. we'll be dead before any of these happen so I like to worry about the real problems facing our species… does the queen taste like stamps?

  2. I like thinking about positive future. Like, someone out there, a few centuries later, could be reading a book (or however they are getting knowledge there) about my yet undone great accomplishment. But the part they’re reading about me now is kinda boring

  3. the problems with these stupid pseudo-philsophers in youtube like exurbia or whatever is that they might not have a proper credentials to talk about these things. Master degree in physics ? PHD in philosophy ? We dont even knowif this guy even graduate highscholl for crying out loud. All the viewers care is that what he said SOUNDED smart. When in fact we dont even if he had even written anything scientific thats been peer reviewed by the academic community . With this in mind i declare this entire youtube channel to be BULLSHIT. oh yes i dare said it.

    these wannabe smarts are just hacks and all of you viewers just eat up their brainfarts like theyre a holy sermon. I pity you people. You all skip on classes taught by credible lecturers who went under stringent academic training just so you can watch brainfarts from dumbasses with adobe after effects in their laptops ? I bet exurbia just read wikipedia for reference. PITIFUL

  4. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL
    of future history

  5. Absolutely brilliant mate! Watched all of your work many times and love it. I will forever follow and appreciate anything you create. That being said…..more….please…..? Right then, hugs n kisses n margarita sunsets bitches! Muah!

  6. Theory
    Racial differences are bred from different species of the homo genus
    Let that sink in… that your ancestor fucked a Neanderthal and birthed the first Caucasian

  7. The WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL OF FUTURE HISTORY

  8. It doesn’t matter where my thoughts are, I can always be led to laughter by one of your episodes! Thanks!
    ❤️, A Dorothy In Red Mary Janes

  9. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel

    Of futur history

  10. Hmm … I'm getting the impression that exurb1a privatized all the videos that contained references to Faye Reagan.
    Did he:
    A) get a girlfriend who was pissed off at his porn obsession
    B) get hit by take-down threats
    C) privatize everything that would get him demonetized
    D) try to pre-emptively stave off a #metoo investigation
    E) find Jesus

    In any case, I am sad.

  11. For those against merging with technology – We are already there. The internet for example, has already become part of who we are, if it crashed, we'd be fucked.

    Technology merging is just another step in human evolution, tho, there will be some growing pains. Its inevitable.

  12. If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

    If you can dream — and not make dreams your master; If you can think — and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build them up with worn-out tools;

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

    If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings — nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds worth of distance run — Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And — which is more — you'll be a Man, my son!

  13. your political utopia is your government stealing 60% of your income to give to those who didn't earn it? I must say that's a hell of an utopia

  14. Hello there future humans who get this video randomly in their recommended. Yes this is the best youtube channel out there and yes you should definitely subscribe

  15. I was expecting that in the middle of the inspirational ending Margaret would be like, oh sorry petrol monkeys you got the dystopia, you are fucked.

  16. Don't forget. Humans will have to develop weapons to fight against multidimensional beings. Otherwise they will ruin the world to have us all killed for laughs.

    They are not our friends.

  17. This guy isn’t even human

    He thinks like a philosopher , he may sound pessimistic most of the time but he has true big brain .

  18. From what I know of Homo sapiens, dystopia is inevitable. We are completely unable to get over our own biological greed. It is the unfortunate truth that humans are not meant to completely unite for the greater good. There will always be those that see opportunities to ruin all of it for their possible gain

  19. Stopped at 3:29 because im going to bed now. No time for depressed existential crysis paired with overthinking and fear of the future at 3am.

  20. Well no matter what happens, you'll get a Complimentary Box of Octo-Moist UltraTM for your troubles!
    It's guaranteed to keep your tentacles clammy for 12 hours long!

    Not sure if I should continue with the sales pitch or show I'm a thinking feeling human being…

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